Most Greek organizations promote values like “honesty,” “community service,” and “integrity.” But make no mistake, those values are for chumps. We need a sorority built around the one thing in life that really matters—pizza. In the pizza sorority, no one wastes your time with this model citizen BS because being a good person only hinders your pursuit of hot, cheesy ‘za. Forget the fundraiser for underprivileged kids—if the pizza sisters are having a carwash, you best believe all that cash is going straight into their Papa John’s fund.
No Hangover Fraternity
Aside from the occasional alcohol-related death, there are exactly zero drawbacks to binge drinking at a frat party—except for the dreaded hangover the next morning. But for the brothers of the No Hangover fraternity, this painful condition is a thing of the past. Although the miracle cure is a closely guarded organizational secret, the brothers are frequently seen up at the crack of dawn after a rager, without a bottle of aspirin or greasy breakfast in sight.
Buy Good Friends Sorority
The anti-sorority cynics say that Greek organizations are simply a way to buy your friends. This assessment is totes unfair, though—a sorority is simply a collection of women who pay dues to associate with one another. MAJOR difference. Plus, finding cool sisters can be a little hit or miss. If sororities were really about buying friends, you’d be able to choose who you’re buying—this is America after all. In the Buy Good Friends sorority you get a chance to weigh your options and take potential sisters for a test drive before things are finalized. It’s your money, and you should be able to spend it on friends you actually want.
Fraternity of One
Brotherhood and camaraderie are all well and fine, but sharing time and space with a bunch of other dudes can get old fast. If only there were a way to get the fraternity experience without all those other people getting in the way. In a fraternity of one, you’ve got the entire house to yourself—there are no pesky frat brothers clogging the toilet, stealing your weed, or interrupting your “me time” here.
At first blush, a cat sorority sounds like the most blissful place on the planet. What could be more adorable than a clowder of furry sisters wearing sorority tees and lounging about? However, spend any amount of time at the cat sorority, and you’ll quickly discover its dystopian underbelly. Do you know how many litter boxes it takes to accommodate a house full of cats? MORE THAN YOU’D THINK.
Make Good Decisions Fraternity
When you’re in a fraternity, otherwise-dumb decisions magically become great ideas. Beer swimming pool? Check. Duct taping yourself to your roommate? Wish I’d thought of it earlier. Sledding off the house roof? YOLO. However, in the Make Good Decisions fraternity all of these terrible suggestions stay exactly where they should—in the terrifying, dark recesses of a frat boy’s mind. And should a half-baked idea manage to slip out, there’s always someone around to quickly shoot it down.
No Heels Sorority
Looking the part is a big aspect of being a good sorority sister, which often means lots of outings in clothes and accessories that look great and feel terrible. Not so in the No Heels sorority! This is one Greek organization where foot-friendly shoes are the norm—and this standard is strictly enforced. A blister on your heel could land you with a hefty fine, and you may as well start packing your bags if they find your secret pair of stilettos. The No Heels sorority is all about making you so comfortable it hurts.
Send Your Clone to Class Fraternity
Until now, going to class seemed like a necessary evil of the college experience, but thanks to the brilliant minds in the servant clone fraternity, petty things like “getting an education” are a thing of the past. As a final act of hazing during initiation week, pledges go through a grueling DNA extraction process, during which one of the frat’s pre-med brothers takes a bone marrow sample—he’s done it, like, a thousand times at this point, so quit your crying and let him shove this giant needle in your spine. However, the pain (and subsequent bone infection) are all worth it when the new brothers are gifted with their own clone. These sci-fi doppelgangers are ready to take notes, study in the library, and ace exams, so that you can focus on what’s really important—beer can towers and cheating on drug tests.
Peace and Love Sorority
No one has ever regretted putting a group of diverse, opinionated, driven young women under one roof—except for every sorority ever. While some Greek organizations are plagued by bickering, gossip, and backstabbing, the Peace and Love sorority has transcended the all the petty in-fighting. It’s nothing but good vibrations and group hugs for these ladies. Their secret? A steady stream of bear sedatives and ecstasy in the sorority house water supply.
Fraternities are frequently characterized as sexist and misogynistic—but not the maternity fraternity. These lady-loving dudes are doing their part to make the world a better place for pregnant women by producing their own exclusive line of maternity clothes. The garments are terrible, of course, because someone turned the sewing machine into a bong, but at least their hearts are in the right place!