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10 Life Lessons Only Taught at College Parties

Lesson #1

As all college party vets know, people flat out suck when they’re drinking. The combination of alcohol, confined spaces, and hormones can only lead to confrontations from girls who don’t know each other, romantic tiffs between couples who aren’t going to last anyway, and testosterone-fueled frat guys boasting their manly prowess. It will be dramatic, and you will be both irritated and entertained.

Lesson #2

College girls are the poster children for facing confrontation, even though they go about it all wrong (usually after a few shots of tequila). While screaming in someone else’s face shouldn’t be your go-to for conflict resolution, you should absolutely address problems directly. Even if nothing is resolved, you at least have peace of mind knowing you put it all out on the table.

Lesson #3

Ted from How I Met Your Mother was right about this one. I can’t think of a single good thing that happened after two in the morning. Now that might be because I was too drunk to hold anymore memories, but I stick with the rule. This is the period of time when regrettable hook-ups, pointless arguments, and beer-soaked booties happen. Head home by two if you want to look back on the night fondly.

Lesson #4

Fireball shots always sound like fun, but they will come back with a vengeance and make you regret your choices.The camaraderie you feel when you all toss one back won’t overshadow the pain you feel in the morning light. Say no to fireball shots even though your friends will call you names and turn you into a joke every chance they get.

Lessons #5

Not long after my 21st birthday, I went out in Nashville during my sorority’s formal and ended up falling head-first off of a stool. I ended up with two purple, swollen knees and a shiner on my forehead. I limped for three days, and even though the pain faded, I’m still haunted by the shame. No matter what it is, a hangover, bruise, or busted lip, the shame of all dumb, drunken decision will last for a lifetime.

Lesson #6

While shame from your college party days may last a lifetime, there can’t be shame if you don’t actually remember what happened. This is the very, very small sliver of the silver lining of blacking out. Don’t worry yourself by trying to piece together the night. Your brain is clearly trying to save you from remembering the horrifying events. Make like Elsa and just let it go.

Lesson #7

If I learned anything important from my bad college decisions, it’s to choose men wisely. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say I’ve had my fair share of morning regret. It was never Coyote Ugly bad, thankfully. However, there have been several instances when it seemed like a great idea to flirt with a guy for a free drink, only to end up wondering what the hell was wrong with me. The following three weeks of hostile text messages never made it easier, either.

Lesson #8

You might not be capable of carrying a tune even in the shower, but two or three doubles into the night and you can bet your bottom dollar you’ll rock that karaoke stage. All you need is a little liquid courage to have your rockstar moment and provide your friends with blackmail material. It’s a win-win for everyone, really.

Lesson #9

It can seem impossible to make new friends, but with a little alcohol and some time, you can become besties with just about anyone. Seriously, just a handful of questions about someone’s life and one free jello shot will turn a complete stranger into your favorite person in the bar. You’ll wake up with at least five new Instagram followers, several new phone numbers, and a drinking buddy or two if you make the right choices.

Lesson #10

The thing about college parties is there’s always an insane bathroom line. Very few people have the drunk patience to handle that, so that’s why there’s always at least one person peeing in the woods. As a girl who will absolutely never go camping, I’ve learned that I can truly go to the bathroom anywhere and under any circumstances. I don’t know why Bear Grylls gets so much attention for this.